I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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