if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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