yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
