Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
