Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hippo gnu deer
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
