Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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