Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
