Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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