i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
