I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
