you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
