I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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