Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
