If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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