Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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