This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
