you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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