So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
