Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
