first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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