I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
