He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
