I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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