I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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