literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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