He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
