She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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