So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
