If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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