Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
