Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
