There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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