i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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