It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
