hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
