I'm so fucking centered right now
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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