If that was your dad, he is hot
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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