this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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