Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
