You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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