I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
