I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
