I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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