I am puke
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
