im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
