my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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