nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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