I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
