So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish you could order shots online.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
