96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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