Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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