Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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