please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I want is dick and wine.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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