my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
