Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
