I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
BRING THE BAGELS
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
